hot people still get rejected.

ok to be honest…

I’ve been rejected twice in two weeks. Both times I was asked on a date, a date was scheduled, and the date was subsequently cancelled day-of-ish. Both on a Tuesday. Maybe it was god or the stars, either way it’s still really hard to be rejected without comparing yourself to the other person, without feeling like maybe it’s even your fault. Without trying to reason with it, you know like ‘I didn’t even really like them anyways’.

Like pretty much probably every person ever, I was really insecure in high school. And middle school. And college. And sometimes still now. The confidence I gained in adulthood probably has something to do with my frontal cortex developing, but also learning to do whatever I want and be myself and all that stuff they tell you all the time growing up but you never listen because it feels like a big lie to make you feel better about being weird.  

That soul-crushing insecurity kept me from doing all the things I wanted to do. A mechanism to protect me from rejection because rejection would probably make me die. 

Now that my frontal cortex is more developed, and I have had the chance to try all the stupid funny awesome things I never let myself do, I’m more confident than ever (which means I’m supposed to be rejection proof). Or at least thats how I feel. I think I’m hot and funny and cool and creative and that is all arbitrary but I set my own standards because it’s my own life. I love myself in ways I never could before and that’s really great and all but what is the purpose of this confidence if I still get rejected. I spent all this time hating myself, so being rejected now…it’s like, well what was the point of all that. 

In retrospect, the first rejection I received was very sensible (even though it really felt like a shot to the head). 

“hey! sorry for the late reply - i want to be very honest with you and let you know that i’m starting to catch feelings for someone else, so i think it’s best if we don’t hang out romantically.”

Followed by the whole you seem super cool I would still like to be friends if you’re down (to which I assumed they were just pitying me, trace of my defense mechanisms). Though I did walk into a restaurant a couple days before our planned date and noticed this person on a date with someone else. This run-in was promptly followed by the formal rejection text. The type of thing (something I’m all too well aware of) in which feelings for someone else had been caught before me. This event really brought out that self-conscious high school girl inside me. I felt that not-good-enough-what-could-I-have-done-differently-what-does-she-have-that-I-don’t feeling. I couldn’t get that girl in my head to shut up, but I knew this rejection actually meant nothing because I never even met them. I could also frame this in a million ways to make me the victor or the victim, whatever makes me feel better about myself. Realistically, I think I was just mad I lost that person who I made up in my head. It felt ridiculous and embarrassing, partially because why am I feeling so insecure over some guy, a complete stranger? But also because I felt robbed of the chance to say no first.

At this point, the second rejection was a much clearer dodged-a-bullet cherry-on-top of a funny story. As it read:

“okay to be honest you seem like a rlly cool person but I feel like we had no chemistry at all over text so I don’t want to pursue this further, sorry”

Back and forth texting that never escaped the Hinge interface. Messages were few and far between, as I’m not particularly fond of not-real-life conversation. Better to save it for dimly lit barstools and touching knees. Now turned creative inspiration. 

And by the way yeah I am cool, thanks for being honest or whatever. 

Maybe I’m approaching men with the same disposability I’ve felt from so many of them. As a loyal man-hater, it is very hard for me to admit this. In the case of both rejections (and many of my previous experiences dating men) I overlooked things I didn’t necessarily admire for the sake of what I thought would be “easy”. Like someone is gonna like me no matter what I do and I’m promised a quick fix of intimacy. Two weeks ago, I would’ve said I lowered my standards, but that definitely makes me feel worse when I’m not the one who gets to say no first. I know I’m not better than anyone, even thought I still think it sometimes. I also know that comparing myself to people definitely makes me feel worse. So now I would say I changed my standards, for the sake of convenience. I would say that I just wanted to get laid and that is supposed to be easy now that I’m hot AND funny. 

When I was younger (i.e. three years ago and all the time before that) crushes used to be like hobbies. Indulging in the fantasy of a perfect date is still one of my guilty pleasures ( and arguably—creative outlets). I am the director, the lead, the screenwriter, the casting director. It would be infuriating to lose your co-star the day the show is supposed to open. But, this whole time I’ve just been casting the wrong person. 

My therapist said that finding someone who checks all your boxes is a tall order. At first I was like ‘ok what the fuck are you telling me to lower my standards’ (like I said, I’ve tried this). But then my therapist said that’s why we don’t date everyone we meet. So yeah, I guess thats really true and even if I would’ve dated someone I met and didn’t, there is probably a reason that I didn’t, whether by god and the stars or because they didn’t like me like that. It turns out you also can’t make everyone like you because that would be really exhausting (I’ve tried that too). 

As it turns out, everyone can get rejected. Being fawned over by every person you meet, never a victim of unrequited love, enchanting everyone who lays eyes upon you just by being there - that doesn’t exist. Or maybe it does, but not for me. I’ve been on the pedestal before and it really sucks because it feel like you can’t trust anything the other person says, that they’re just trying to appease you. Like when someone agrees with everything you say and it’s actually really fucking annoying get a life.

It’s really easy to get stuck in that fantasy world, assigning roles to people based on their Hinge profile. But, a fantasy is a fantasy and love at first sight is not real. That feeling when you see someone you think is possibly the hottest person you’ve ever seen, thats lust. Thats your biological response to seeing a mate you deem fit. So yeah of course rejection doesn’t feel good because you’re in your prime era of fertility and you’ve lost a potential mating partner. 

So I’m taking this entire experience as a lesson. Rejection is inevitable and it doesn’t mean I need to defend myself. Crushes are not a hobby and I am not a screenwriter. And as much as it pains me to say this, some boys aren’t evil even if a lot of them are stupid. Give peace a chance. 

I will leave you with lyrics from one of the best songs of all time by one of the greatest voices of our generation — Robyn. 

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh

I'm right over here, why can't you see me? Oh

And I'm giving it my all

I'm not the guy you're taking home, ooh

I keep dancing on my own, ah

Thank you for reading,

MAIA ISABELLE BRUNEL